Years ago I was working for a rather creepy little man. He was a political operative of a boss who seemed dipped in some kind of super teflon. I didn’t like him at all and consider it a kindness that I really don’t remember all that much about him.

However i do remember one all-staff meeting where he went on about his favorite negative word: jackass. He had a flinty voice so when he said “jackass” it had a certain sharpness.

Now, all these years later, i’ve come to realize my word is “retard.” Now don’t get all PC on me, i use the word to describe my own actions as frequently as i use it to describe the actions of others.

I use it a lot in the parking lot of Trader Joe’s.

What does the word mean? Well, simply put, as a verb, to retard something is to slow an action. The neighbor’s old lawnmower had a lever to adjust the timing: advance or retard. Growing up i heard it used in grammar school to describe kids who were not performing up to expected standards. They were “slow” for some staff and “retarded” for other staff. Yes, 2nd graders hear shit and tend to remember it.

I use “retard” to describe somebody, again often myself, who seems unable to connect the dots in a given situation. I use it as an admonition for myself to try to stimulate learning. As in “ahem retard, you failed to take into account this glaring problem and thus solved nothing. Try to remember this going forward.”

I once flew in a small plane that had, over the control yoke, a placard reading “Don’t do anything stupid.” Stupid is a much more aggressive word. To call somebody stupid or to say they did a stupid thing is imply a serious defect in thinking. To call somebody retarded is to imply they are not currently functioning at the level you might hope or expect, but does not suggest, per se, that they are incapable of learning.